Tired

Just got back from Singapore. It was a short trip with only 1 purpose. But the company was good. Azrief met us there and he brought along his friend Kenneth - who is really kind and paid for lunch TWICE. We owe ya Kent! Thank you very much.

Cats was worth it. Although i dozed off for a few minutes during some bits (that has never happened before ever - in any show i've watched!) Maybe the lack of sleep and rest since last week finally catch up. It was a hectic week - especially on Friday. I left the office at 10pm. Poor Raz. There he was in my cubicle, slumped in a chair, dozing off while waiting for me to finish work. He had a tough week too. I know he was tired and wanted to back early that day but he didnt even complain. Not one word. *love*

Need to get one of those weekends where we do 'nothing'. Need one of those weekends where I get to spend the day with best friends - gosh! I so miss hanging out with them.

Here's to a fresh week :)

married life so far

10th March 2009

Today's my 2nd month anniversary. In Sabah now. A sorta mini-honeymoon since Friday till yesterday. Hubby has a meeting today at the regional office so i thot i take the day off too, get some work done at the hotel and fly back with him later in the evening. Beats flying home alone without him. My boss isnt too happpy tho - looking at my schedule, taking today off is kindda suicidal. I have a big meeting tomorrow with the Shaping Teams and I havent study the upstream processes/terms at all. *gulp* Then my very own project kick-off meeting is on Wednesday and the presentation is not done yet. PPA review coming up - the amendments due after first discussion is still untouched and I actually am suppose to attend another training in Bangi from tomorrow till Friday. So i'll be driving back and forth from KLCC to Bangi trying to fit everything. When this week is over, I need to update this blog for future self-reference - on how I got thru this juggling act with at least my job still in tact (i hope). Too late to worry about a positive profesional reputation at the new office.

Wrote the paragraph below 2 weeks back. Heh. Typical inn style.

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24th Feb 2009.

Wrote the entry below a week ago when I was in Perak. At the moment I'm in Bangi attending a course. Office has been really tough. Directions and end-goals are clear - i know 'what' I'm suppose to accomplish so although at times I'm sorta clueless on the 'how' - knowing the 'what' makes all the difference between this new place vs. the old one and it helps tremendously. The downside? Less time to read/write and no entry in Feb. Bummer.

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17th Feb 2009

Presently in Lumut for the CM 6th roundtable. Raz and the kids (2 of them) came here with me on Sunday. All in all, i think we had a good 'family' time. We play by the beach. Collect seashells. Kufah and Frodo taught me how to swim (i still x swim). Eat pizza. Laughed out loud. It was one of those rare moments- the times when the kids behave wonderfully well and they seem to enjoy my company without feeling guilty (to their mother).

People tell me - u just wait girl- things wont be this rosy for long. This is the 'honeymoon stage' but hey, majority of 'those' people didnt marry someone with 4 kids. Things are not rosy starting from the first weekend post wedding but this is my life decision and it's up to me to learn how to manage it. Honeymoon period or not, the challenges in my marriage come early and there are moments where fear stabs. Did i made the wrong decision? Can I survive this? I get unsure about how to move on, to cope.... Wonder on how to make 'this' work - (this as in 'us' as a family) I'd get all worry and anxious. Mrs. X will have her demands - and of late she's been demanding more and more and not just the usual financial stuff. She wants Raz to do this and that - all in the name of the children of course. Make sure that girl (me- who else) dont touch her kids, dont hug/kiss her kids and dont even play with them. Frodo (the youngest) told me that his mom wants me to turn into a chicken so she can pull my head off. (I said, really? er... cool) hmmm... No doubt about it. Some challenges in this honeymoon period makes me feel I've been married for years.

I'd get so stressed and scared and worried ... and sometimes angry. My husband - will look into my eyes and smile me that smile and all i wanna do is melt (mind you - that smile didnt have much effect before we're married - i think i love him more after we're married-hehe) He'll encourage me to talk about it and will listen attentively and not make any judgement. Sometimes he'll ask questions to help me think things better. Probe my feelings further. Help me investigate my thoughts. Suggest some new perspectives. Summarize my thots/feelings to see if he understood things correctly. Then we'll cuddle and he'll tell me how much he loves me and promise me the blue sky and the puffy white clouds if I can just hang on. On nights when it's really tough, he'll read to me till I fall asleep.

So yeah... I'm enjoying married life although it is challenging at times. Raz is sweet and puts an honest effort in giving me what I need - And at the very basic - i need a relationship that gives us a platform where we can communicate and share our feelings openly and honestly. Then the need to grow and develop higher awareness. Growing to be a better person. We remind each other of this journey. The sugar coating's there too and at times i think the pampering is going to spoil me but that’s another post altogether. hehe.

Main challenges are mostly Mrs. X and kids-related. There's the thing about not being free but it hasnt got to a point where it's painful. Living with MIL isnt easy either but so far we're polite and cordial to one another. I actually do like my MIL very much. She has her moments - where I cant do or even say anything right (Raz says just keep quiet) but so far (1 month and 2 weeks) it has been good. Hopefully, IT IS good and not just my perception of reality because to tell the truth, I have no clue. I mean, looking at things from her perspective - she has a menantu who now lives with her for about a month now BUT doesnt even cook for her – AT ALL. (Mummy hasnt said a word on that!) Adding to that, her menantu doesnt do housework as well (what’s the maids to do, no?) hmmm... I’m not being proactive kan? The only thing I do is buy groceries or the occasional treats (like cakes or pastries or chocolates and fruits) for the house. But seriously, other than a breakfast incident that she was upset about (the maids gave me heads up on never to skip a prepared breakfast even when I’m really really late for work) we haven’t heard anything else yet.

But i should not take things for granted. Auntie Wancik (Mummy’s sister) had told me TWICE (before I got married) that I must take care of MIL if i want my marriage to Raz to be successful. That’s suppose to be a big hint right? Er...to my married friends, any suggestions for MIL related matter? (Besides cooking la okay coz I’m working on that)

There's always two sides of the matter kan. True that my mother in law is very garang but she’s a remarkably funny person too. She’d make hilarious remarks on things (when we watch the news or tv advertisements) she cracks me up especially in the mornings when we kiss her bye-bye to go to work. I always leave the house with a smile on my face. Mummy is undeniably generous – arranging the day-to-day menu making sure we have variety of choice for dinner, offering her driver when Mrs. X wants Raz to pick the kids during office hours etc.

Same goes for Mrs X. There's her side of the story and truthfully I do try to put myself in her shoes. Not easy either. So what if it's been 5-6 years. Cant be easy when your ex-spouse re-marry. The kids are all she have so I try to respect her demands about them and her schedule. As much as I try not to care, I cant, coz they're just children. His children. Too late as well coz I love them too (I just dont want to admit this out loud. U see, they dont love me back. Sometimes I think they want to but in the end, they wont and although I know it's out of loyalty to their mother, seeing it in their eyes hurts like hell)

May God give me the strength to keep my ego and selfishness out of the way. To help steer us away from the collective consciousness and societal shud-be that does not serve our family. To not listen to how others think it should but to learn and define for ourselves - for the good of all concerned - the how and what - we want this new family to look like and to be. Amin.

am single no more

Forgive me if i missed out some invites... not intentionally. The whole wedding prep was really stressful and i was running all over the place.

So many times i had sentences in my head... Ideas forming, sentences coming together, words swimming.. and i wanted so badly to put them down somewhere but i had no time to sit down and write. Plus the office blocks signing to blogger.com again - bummer - i can read but cant seem to sign in or leave comments at other people's blogs.

Every spare minute was for the wedding prep - in between arguing with Raz over almost everything. Phew. That was tough. We argued like an old couple weeks leading to the wedding... until the car accident which was about 1 week before the wedding. Woke us up it did. Thank you god for the reminder.

I wanted to write about that too (in a better way that how i just put it above) That was a sort of defining moment in that stretch of stressful period - But then again, there are so many other things I wanted to pen down... work stress and how i'm loving it, dissapointment when finding out Mrs. X not letting kids attend the KL reception, the god-awful baju nikah, last minute preparations 4 days before wedding, the last day leaving MJ's house as a single girl, the last time leaving KL as a single girl, the last time hanging out with my inner circle as a single girl... tsk. i had zillions thots swirling and zig-zagging in so many colors.

anyhoo... hoping i'l be able to write more - Raz bought me Lady Pinky so now I have a lappy at my disposal. Yahoo!!!

So here's me - writing my 1st entry post wedding - as Mrs. Raz. This one is dedicated to:

My family - the core of core - reason for every blessed moment. I appreciate all the hard work and efforts especially my parents and sisters and bro-in-laws. You're guys are the greatest! My uncles and aunties and scores of cousins and second cousins -- who tiredlessly helped out - saya terhutang budi yang tak terhingga.

Also - my heartfelt gratitude to my beloved inner circle - who stick by me thru thick and thin... Rudster, Ayul and Sue. You are no stranger in my family (any kind of family i have or going to have) I cant imagine life without you guys - and i mean it.

Fatty - for helping me let go. i love you long time. mmuahs.

My non-biological family - the best group of friends anyone could ever ask for - Black & Sab and Shay - who plan their trip to M'sia this time so that they can attend my wedding - Am so honored and touched by the gesture. I can never thank you enough. Karen, Nelly, Fayno, Wan Tan, Izwan, Haney, Faizah, Mus (who looked so gorgeous btw!) Ome & Linda (and lil Zara) Bozzo, Dewi (and family), Amy, Fanny (and Alleya), Alin Kecik & my bridesmaid who did really well Ms Zarey.

My office colleagues - Eja & Juzaili - thanks guys. Suprise visit! Jauh tau BP - terharu saya! It's good to know I got great friends from the office too!

My ensemble family - Hazlin (& Shaif) and Baki - i couldnt believe my eyes! Thank you :)

Lastly - to my Raz - the patient man whose persistency melts my stupid defense, is protective like no other - who pleasantly surprise me when along the way by throwing his ego and bratness away hahah! I remembered when we first started - I said no more than a million times and not once either of us had ever imagine we'll end up together in the end. My Raz - with whom I had the delightfully delicious discovery that we share a lot similar core values. My Raz who believes in open communication, is nice to the bone and is always seeking to understand me. I know where I wanna belong for the rest of my life. Most importantly, thank you dear Raz - for having the courage to marry me - Good luck honey. heh.

Stress

Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding. Work. Wedding.

Work. Work. Work.
Wedding. Wedding. Wedding.

Help?

Al-Fatihah

Learned that I lost a good friend today.

When I was newbie serving in the Bakti Program at my current school in Ampang, Hasnih was the one of the friendliest faci that helped me ease into the group. Always so full of energy. Always full of laughters. We shared stories of heartaches and setbacks. Of hopes and aspirations.

She's the eldest in her family and had always been a responsible daughter and sister. One of her goal in life is to help her family. Kakak kena mengalah demi kebaikan adik-adik she always say and although she has someone in her life, she wants to take care of her family first (help parents and the siblings) She dont mind extra work for any extra income that can help her family. Hasnih-show-me-da-money was her nick. She’ll settle down after all that. Her wedding is to be in Jan next year... a bit later than mine.

She went back to Tawau last week for her engagement on Saturday. Sunday night on her way to Tawau airport, the car she was in skidded and collided with an oncoming vehicle. She died upon reaching the hospital. Her youngest brother, 9 years old, also didnt make it. Another brother, Rudy is in serious condition and one more fracture his leg. When Ina sent the email out and I replied to the group, Hasnih's Out-of-Office Auto Reply prompt a notification saying she's away and will be back in the office on 10th November. It hit me so hard then that she's not coming back. I so miss her already.

I cant even begin to imagine the pain her loved ones and her inner circle of friends is going through for losing such a wonderful person. I do know she will be greatly missed.

Al-fatihah. Semoga roh arwah ditempatkan bersama-sama orang yang beriman. Amin.

Inhale. Exhale.

Am running outta breath. 4 more days till the new place.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

Handover not done. Not even started. Clearing off the current load has been hard and Boss conveniently piles more. Joy.

But am looking forward. To the new place. I know it'll be a lot tougher. Longer hours. I'll go raving mad juggling the new portfolio, upcoming wedding preparation (which after that means juggling hubby and 4 instant kids and will be staying with MIL).

My new boss is a demanding smart cookie lady-boss who thinks I'm choosing second best when I picked Raz. They've worked in the same unit before (Yup, tis a very small world - thank god for a big universe!) but other than that, she's cool. And most importantly, she's the one who helped me get the job there. It's her place. And she wants me there. What more can i ask for :)

Thank you Jun - big time! I wont let you down. I wanted this... the research, headache, planning, analysis, the crap and all... i want it all - the good and the bad (hopefully more good) so most importantly, I will not let ME down.

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Other than that, nothing new. Yes. Am still hopeless at juggling.

Realized during lunch last Wednesday that we’re coming to the end of October. That means I have just about 2 more months before the wedding.

I haven’t done shit. Like seriously.

And if you know dear lil Ms. Panic, which I admit, has been stalking for a few weeks, suddenly leap out from the shadows and hugged me. I cant keep her off. Help!!!!!!!

Oh shit.

I cant even begin to think. Where to start. Cant move. What cold feet? I cant even feel my feet!

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

AAAAAHHH!!!

I know my period is near when...

i cry bucket instantly reading a small print in Oprah Mag about this woman who wrote in and share her experience doing volunteer reading magazines (reading articles from O Mag of course) for a local radio network for the blind. She then found out that they actually also air it nationwide under some Association for the Blind network. I cried even more... tears and hingus and all (yuckie i know but Raz *love* still pulled me close and said shhhh... there, there.)

That night, before drifting to slumber land, i thot again about that lady and the wonderful gesture she and her fella volunteers do weekly. Helping the blind share the pleasure of reading that way. Remind me of that utusan tv-ad (i cried watching that one too. iye. saya chengngeng ok? hmph)

Do we have anything like dat here? I cried again but this time feeling very grateful, knowing that if I die in my sleep, I know and believe that the world (despite the wars, stupid leaders and selfish greedy people) is still full of awesome people.

You guys are awesome too you know. Yup. Have i told you that? You are. I believe so. Thank you for being you.

Love. Love. Love.
Inn