The lost of a good friend...

My good friend Khairil Izwan Pilus, passed away last Friday (20th Jan @ 6:15PM)....

When the news reached me, I thot it was a joke. That Wan is up to his famous antics of coming up with some big joke. I couldn’t accept it until I was there at the hospital. It was an eerie calm driving there together with Zul, Fayno and Zarey. We stopped for Maghrib prayer at Zul's house but we were still holding it together until we arrived at the Forensic Ward Hospital Ampang. I remembered mouthing no no no non-stop as I hugged Haney. Oh my god. This is real. He's gone. Wan is gone. He is no longer in this physical world. How can that be?....

I stand for hours that night at the hospital. And I stand for hours the next day at his funeral. The pain in my back and leg cannot be compared with the pain I feel deep inside me. I have so many regrets and there was nothing I can do to ease the guilt and the pain of losing him. I wasnt there for him towards the end. Facing my 1st trimester - weakened immune system now seem like a flimsy excuse of not visiting him at the hospital. I remembered talking to Mazhar about not going to Pusrawi to visit coz I was tired of being sick every other week and I didn’t want to risk any infection. That just sounds so stupid now. There's no justification that can rationalize that I wasn’t a good friend to him as he was to me. And he was always a good friend. He was always there for me. I failed.... I was too selfish. I keep thinking we have time. Like his birthday celebration at Friday's. I didn’t set a date yet coz I was waiting for things to ease up at work, at home. Waiting for a slot when I'm not too tired. Waiting for things to get more comfortable. When it's convenient enough for me. I can’t tell you how disgusted that all sound now. There was no urgency, taking sweet time approach and now it seemed like a lack of respect for others.

I see it now. Only too clearly. I was too caught up in my own small life to look up and see how I could have shine light on others. Care for those beyond my little circle. Cared for the people who loved me. For him, who had stood by me over and over again since my uni days. Me and my stupid dramas. The wasted energy. The next few days, a lot of thoughts crossed through my mind. Some articulated to friends. Some I put up on facebook. A bunch of us got together for lunch on Tuesday – it was a small crowd but I think in our own ways, we were leveraging on each others’ presence to ease the pain. Our ways of coping with the big lost that left a huge gaping hole in our hearts.

I look at Salina’s lost in a whole new way. She lost her son and how difficult it must have been to move on… All the other important people in my life and their lost flashed all around… Mazhar lost a sister and father, Abah lost a mother and younger brother, Mom lost her father, MIL lost her daughter and hubby… My Tok Mak also lost her hubby and younger sister, Didi and Madi lost their dad, Sab lost a brother… Zack lost her mother…

If I feel this much pain, disorientated and hurt losing a friend, I have no idea how someday I’ll have to face the loss of a close family member – a sibling or parent. Losing Nek and Tok Bah were the toughest moments in my life… I know it’s the cycle of life, it’s something everybody will experience and go through… someday it will be our turn too… but knowing that doesn’t ease up anything at all.

The lesson remains to not take things and people in my life for granted. To give my best to everyone... My husband, my children, my family and close friends... To make them feel appreciated as how they always make me feel appreciated…To do more so I have less regret. Lessen the drama by asking; when I’m on my deathbed, will “this” still matter?

I dreamed of Wan last Thursday – malam jumaat. He had this sad but understanding look on his face because even in the dream I was too busy running around my work to stop and spare more than 5 minutes to chat with him. He wasnt talking much. More like looking and smiling... But in the end when I said I have to run, i remember he said – “Takpe Kak Inn. I understand.” After he was gone, I realized it cant be Wan and I was dreaming and woke up crying. A sharp ache of missing him and then a slight relief of gratitude because maybe it was really him, visiting me. I shared this with some of the gerombolanz when we held a tahlil for him last Saturday’s at Sue’s. Everyone is still coping but we were united in our grief as strongly as we were by a common bond of friendship.

I miss you so much Wan. You always make me smile. You always make me laugh. U were always wise, always know what to say and you say it in the most honest and accurate way. I didn’t deserve the respect and adoration that you've always shown towards me. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you towards the end but thank you for this reminder. I will always treasure our friendship and our many memories together. I love you so much. May you find peace in the afterlife with the Mighty Creator. Al-fatihah.

Monday blues

It's happening more and more now... the laziness. I have tonnes to do. I still have no execs and still pretty much clueless about the new scope of BC/JCC. the execs - i cant help la coz that’s beyond my control. Some of the candidates not releasable. Some were kindda scary. Some were around my age and some were older. Not that I’m adverse to resolving challenges of dealing with a peer as subordinate but being pretty much new at managing people, this playing it safe approach seem to have crept up. I rather work with those I think are "receptive" – that I can train and mould and should stay clear of those with “I’m-better-than-you” vibe.

I was offered E3 back in 2009 by SMs in EPSP (among all places!) yeah rite. Like I can do strategic planning in E&P with about 2 years + in the industry. Was blur as heck. What is strategic planning? What are the key drivers in the upstream sector? I was clueless. They say it didn’t matter. They like my attitude, the rest they can teach coz my vibe was "hardworking and receptiveness to learning." Maybe now I kindda get what they mean. It’s just not enough to get someone who they think can do the work. It is more important to have someone they can work with.

But back then, I turned it down because (one) - felt I wasn’t ready yet and (two) it didn’t feel rite to abandon my ICS unit. Felt more 'stable' in 2010 - but then came the corporate restructuring, how many PPA cycle I’ve been through, the E3 PD and eventually the closing down of my department and we're all dispersed into other units. By now approval for promotion has to be signed off by VP HR, not just my own VP. Suffice to say she turned it down the 1st round citing “too young in mothership”. Anyway, came another PPA cycle and all those other matters were eventually resolved although not really with speed. The dust finally settled and I received my E3 last year, attached to a new library-like outfit.

I think I did the right thing. It would have been faster if I took the business route rather than stay in corporate but looking back now, it was a blessing not rushing the whole climbing up the ladder journey. It's a different level of playing field altogether now. As senior exec, I stand strong because the years of experiences I have, maturity level etc compared to the internal executives that mothership breeds since graduation day. As a manager, the pool is saturated with highly intelligent, matured wise people with loads of relevant experience. Some of them are in their 40s and 50s with years of wisdom under their belt. I feel small. Inadequate. Yes there more young ones these days but heck, they’re the exception – the business/corporate top talents. The Oxford, Imperial College, LSE, Harvard, MIT mothership sponsored talents. The-year-after-year Top Performers in their respective field. Now who can compete with that?

I know I need to change my game. Strategize better. Work smarter. Step up more. But I’ve been so freaking lazy. Taking time like I own the frigging company. I’ve had days when I spike up and I’m ahead of the game but more and more, I’m falling behind. Not having the energy to focus on anything long enough to create impact. I know I should mind, but I don’t. Well that’s a lie. I do. Just not as much as I like to.

The worse thing is that it’s not like I have major challenge elsewhere that seeps my energy and focus. I am not going through a test like what my boss aka Salina is going through – losing her son, her health had issues and currently her hubbyis going through recovery after a heart related procedure last week. I do wonder where she gets her energy to stay on the road and stay sharp. Her resilience always ropes me in. Otherwise I think I would have floated away and not get anything done at all.

I have a crazy feeling that this laziness could take on a life of its own and spiral out of control. I’ll spiral downwards and can’t break free of a vicious cycle. Then I’ll play victim to how the company doesn’t appreciate me and I couldn’t do this and that, my work is tedious lalala etc. The idealistic side of me is hoping this is all hormonal and I’ll slowly go back to being the loyal corporate slave who secretly loves her job. Or maybe because of the packed weekend, I am physically and mentally exhausted. The droppy eyes and the dark circles shows that I have yet to recover. Ntah lah..

Going to try again. Hopefully I can concentrate and get some real work done.

21/12

To be consistent with being a date sucker since I blogged 11.11 - I thot i'd do up another post on 21/12 --- coz the numbers are mirroring each other. Silly excuse I know. Truth is - I'm so freaking bored in the office (read: lazy).

Everyday feels like Friday. My productivity is way down. I even dress down. I am already without make-up these days. Throw in the casual dressing and it almost look like I'm jobless. Year end bug? Even the Pangkor Laut trip, as wonderful as it was, didnt do enuf to refresh me. Maybe it's the procastinator in me... dragging next year's preparation till we get to exactly there -next year. Sigh.

However, I'm happy and more phsych up for my personal life. My 2012 planning. Things I wanna do. Places to go. The numbers to achieve. I'm even dragging Hubby to be involved in this planning process. Making him commit to a list of 2012 goals -his/ours. We actually call our Pangkor trip - a retreat. (ok fine. i called it such, hehe!). We discussed our marriage, in details, I shared my fears, things that frustrates me, hope for the future etc. I wanted to also understand how he feels and where does he want to go next - in terms of intimacy, his direction on where he wants to steer our family, our life values etc. Then alignment and synergizing them with our own individuals targets, goals and needs. We now need to make it more tangible with the first step of committing our plans on paper (didnt get to do it in Pangkor - time flies when u're having fun).

Also, inspired by K.Dillz before-and-after photos and Zied's moving into her dream house, I've decided to do more with our living space - the extension area (except the study) has been bare except for the CD player and the single day bed since it was completed 2 years ago. We were okay coz it became a nice safe play for Raziq to run around, but I'm craving for a homely cozy space. My own style. The whole house is someone else's style. I dont have a say to change anything. Even our bedroom is mostly fixed. Everything is built-in - from dressers to drawers to the bed, the study table... Everything is so ... er... "fixed" that it drives me crazy. I cant move or change anything except the bed and cushion covers.

I started furniture shopping and need to browse for more ideas. I love Warehouse by Vivienca - as it is more affordable than its sister - the up market Townhouse and way more affordable compared to Janine. I bought a mini-sofa, a french seater/storage, a console table (which i wanted to place photo frames but cant coz Raziq is at that age where he grabs everything) a tall and one small bookshelf for the study as my books, files and research paper - are all over the place. table, floor. boxes pile onto other boxes. Hubby has been tolerating my mess. Now the main piece would be the wall-to-wall-shelves but I'm still undecided on that. Been thinking of having a custom-made one - like kak dilla's (awesome with the ladder and all). Still, do i need another build in furniture? Feels like a big commitment. Sigh. Decision. Decision.

I'm gonna have 2 days off next week. Hopefully I can decide by then and do something. For now, back to work -boooo! (but ooo how I wish I can nap instead!)

trashed

in my line of work... i get trashed sometimes. it's painful. and damn stressful.

when that happens, i tell myself, it's just a job. hahah! there are times that actually work. but not today. i got trashed by President Office among all the friggin department in mothership. yup. from the high and mighty. great. just great.

yes. it's just a job. one that i do my best to deliver and add value no matter how insignificant or as how they defined it - wasting of time. because this is my amanah. this is my given responsibility for this financial year. this is what was assigned to me so with all the values that has built this company, i consistently steer it that way with all the integrity i can muster.

it's not that i dont get where they are coming from. i do. but policy and direction is not my game. it's theirs. at least i'm doing something about it. i'm an agent of change. internal - the GMs that i'm working with.. and external - my regional counterparts.

what have they done besides the trashing? the pishh and pffufs? u want me to be the one to justify what you have in mind? non-participation. closure? in my limited grasping of the industry thus far, in what i believe is right, that would not be something i would recommend before giving it our best. it is also because i dont believing in snubbing our neighbours. i believe in putting in the efforts, turning things around, giving it your best, set standards and fair deliverables if all these werent in place before. make those u're trying to diss understand where u're coming from coz this is a long journey we're in. we're not here to make enemies. we're at the top now but we wont always be. why not practice some humility ~ as long as we're not taken advantage of.

im just an employee. i cant kill a regional association. it's beyond me. it's even beyond mothership. but if this company overall wants no part in it, make it so. block it out. share it to your counterparts all around. who knows. maybe they have the same sentiments. and fine. even if u want me to do it, just spell it out that this is the direction u want me to take. say it so and i will figure out how best to deliver. dont play games to make as if i am the one who proposes it.

it's just a job i tell you. but picking yourself again and again isnt all that easy. i know it builds my resilient but doesnt mean it doesnt hurt. it hurts like hell.

it's just a job. sigh. maybe if i say it that a lot of times i'll believe it and feel better. enough said. back to work now.

for the sake of the date

Ok. so i'm also a sucker for the 11.11.11 - though dont ask me to blog at 11:11AM

yesterday i mentioned to hubby that for the 1st time in a long, long time, i finally feel like i'm catching up with the workload in the office. that i feel im speeding. i've grown and matured at work. i've mastered a certain momentum.

today, that went down the drain. whirlwind of wheres, whats, by whens and my world was turned topsy turvy. suddenly i am way behind schedule. no longer on top of my game. no longer being proactive. what momentum?

that changed in a day. if it wasnt for the fact that it's stressful, i'd be amazed.

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last monday was a nice break from the routine. no rush. no work. quality time with hubby. quality discussion with hubby. cuddling. resting. quality time with son. laughing. playing. took out the crayons and we did some coloring in the garden. my own little unit. just what i needed. it was a day in a dream come true moment.

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writing has slowly helped me sort my thoughts out. it's not like the old days but i'm not going back to the old days. there has to be progress. and growth. but writing is the conduit. not just in here. in a reply. to a friend. actually to rudy's wife that i've never met in real life. in composing a reply to her, i was answering a lot of my own questions. i was reminding myself too. yes. things do feel like falling apart when it's actually falling together. trust. trust. trust.

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know what you want, or nothing is what you get.

Life isnt easy... what's new?

Life isnt easy. i have always known this. coming from an average family. we saved for every little thing. every single trip. every major purchase. life wasnt easy. but we were always happy.

Life isnt easy. it's the choices that we are presented with daily. and we always have choices. the little decisions of daily life. cummulating to blocks of decisions, which in turn becomes the blocks that build up your life. you build and build ... sometimes not seeing the bigger picture. you build certain parts ahead.. certain parts too late... but there'll be times when they all just fall together. perfectly. all those different parts, forming your unique life... and u get a glimpse of the life that you've build thorughout the years.

Life isnt easy. some days we make the right choices. some other days, the wrong ones. what do we do? we continue making choices... we live with the consequences of our choices. of our decisions. even when we think we are not making decision, we actually are still making a one.

Life isnt easy. when it's just you on your own, things seems less complicated. when you decide to share your life with someone else, suddenly, all the measurements, criterias and standards and parameters from which you make your decisions, your evaluation filter - doesnt serve you any longer. you need new standards, consider sets of new criterias... but the daily decision making of life doesnt wait for you to get things in order.

Life isnt easy. you fumbled. you tumbled. you bleed. reality pokes those tinted glass and you bleed even more. it's all a matter of perspective. it's all relative. it's how you see things from where you stand. where do you stand - in all relativity? how do you stand? how do you cope when you feel your whole perspective on life is shattered? how do you change your perspective? Nietzsche once said, all things being relative, what time does this train stop at Munich? how come that makes so much sense but i cant make sense on a simple building block of my own life? why does that get me going and yet I cant seem to manage the consequences of ONE decision that I've made?

Life isnt easy. sometimes you're just too tired. sometimes you just feel like throwing in the towel and calling it a quit. sometimes you go numb and you cant feel much of anything else but the throbbing ache. you sacrifice the person that you are... and that was a decision that you made. sometimes you think you did it willingly but maybe you didnt realize u were bargaining a trade off. and sooner or later you realize that you didnt get... what you unconsciously trade yourself for. but you've decided. you have made that choice. there are too many other blocks that has been tied this one decision. do you let everything crumble just to rebuild?

Life isnt easy. how then do you un-do a decision? it has to be with another decision. more choices. how do you get yourself back? can you? always deciding yours over mine. always choosing his over ours. you over me. i claim to always choose me but i hardly do. i always choose you. always.

Life isnt easy... What else is new?

1st time in the office 2011

Wooaah. it's the first for sure. Cant remember the last time i blogged during office hours. But i'm too tired these days, i so dont wanna slog much. Yes, i have tonnes to do (dont i always?) but sheesh, i'm just too tired (and lazy).

Im with my second bump now. Along with it comes low blood pressure. Sudden cravings for anything under the sun. Fainting spells. And this permanent lethargic-ness. Everyday i wake up, tired. Dark circles under my eyes and aching body. All i wanna do is sleep. And get more rest. I really have to drag myself outta bed. Really, REALLY force myself to get my butt to work and stay there trying to function as best i can for at least 9-10 hours. It's amazing I'm not running to the doctor to get MC every other day. I know I want to. I know my blood pressure is bordering on dangerously low that I can get away with an MC at every doc visit (coz last time Doc even suggests I'm hospitalized - noooo!!!)

My productivity is low. My tolerance level is low. My stress level seems very very high. Coupled with not writing (whining) for months, I feel like I'm a different person. I was re-reading some of my old posts, and i dont recognize the old me. Chirpy, positive, grateful, hard working and sometimes i sound confidence and wise. say whattt?

Fear, worry and doubt seems more like my default stage now. I feel insecure - about work. about life. about love life. about motherhood. My world seems to have shrunk. My universe revolves around very few things and it's so routine and monotonous and sometimes, so very insignificant. I feel small - on the outside and very very small on the inside. I seem to care less about others. Like i neither have the ability nor energy to expand my heart to love and care beyond some very limited number of people. I feel helpless when those that i do care about, is in pain. I cant think of what to do. What to say. What is wrong with me?

I refuse to do work after dinner. I try not to read. I just wanna stay in my little cocoon and not know what's going on out there. It sometimes feel like I just wanna stop caring. period.

Damn. This is scary. Feels like Im turning into a stranger. I feel like if i dont stop this, I'll turn into this manipulative and conniving bitch (in a very baddd way) so things can go my way. Coz i'm thinking small. I feel selfish and I wanna win. Like all the time. What I'll do will be driven by fear instead out of love. And that can never be good.

Shit. I should really write more. Weed out negative thoughts. Get better perspective. Stop the noises and concentrate on what's empowering. Please, god. Let me have the strength to keep this up.